I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize