I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
