11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
