And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
