Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Shame - the story of my life.
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