this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize