Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
