i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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