At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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