Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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