I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I want a musical about memes.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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