Drunk walkin through police station. America
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
