no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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