Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
