Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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