I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
