thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize