There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
