Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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