I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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