She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
