Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
There's always time for handjobs
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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