she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize