Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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