i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
