make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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