listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
