Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
