i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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