I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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