Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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