i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize