You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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