I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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