My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Reggie can tackle my bush.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
