When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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