I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
