I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
