someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
