she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
