take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
