I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
