kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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