this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
