youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
