Umm I'm too high to move.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
