Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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