If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
