Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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