Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
