Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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