I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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