Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
