Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
