Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
