Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
