Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
