The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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