apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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