can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
