i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
