You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
